


The John Incident

by orphan_account



Category: Night at the Museum (2006 2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 14:29:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3653805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The John is another informal name for ‘the toilet’.</p><p>Ex: Sarah ran straight to the John after their long trip.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The John Incident

There are many things Octavius loved. Food and drink were two of them. As plastic figurines they had no need for food and drink and even if they did, they were too small to procure food for their own but it was Thanksgiving and Larry went all out. Jedediah and himself along with the rest of their men have their own little seating arranged, tiny little tea cups that are a little too big for their intended purpose but perfect bowls lay in front of them as well as an array of tiny food, already chopped to little pieces for their convenience. **  
**

Jedediah and Octavius are a little further along the table from their own men, forgotten between plates of good food and the loud clinks of dinnerware. They’re ‘seated’ in between Teddy and Larry, murmuring in low content voices. Jedediah attacking the food with vigor as if he could truly feel hunger and Octavius sipping daintily at his soup. It came out sounding like a slurp.

“Excuse me,” He said, wiping delicately at his lips as Jedediah just laughed, a bit of food at the side of his lips that Octavius wanted to lick away. Instead he pointed to the side of his mouth, “You’ve got a bit of food there.” He handed over one of the mini-napkins Larry thoughtfully provided, just bits of torn paper towel, and Jedediah accepted it with a smile.

“Ain’t this a great feast?” Jedediah said when they’re bellies are disjointed from the food they’ve eaten and the tables are being cleared, slowly but surely.

“Certainly,” Octavius agreed, still eating his food. It’s pasta and very filling.

“I think I’m gonna have to use the John after this.” Jedediah said. He had taken off his leather gloves and was trying futilely to get food out of his teeth with his pinky nail. When done, he looked at his nail with disdain and flicked the bits under it.

Octavius, who doesn’t understand Jedediah’s words, opens his mouth and then closes it slowly around his forkful of pasta. John, that was a name wasn’t it? A quite common name in America if he remembered correctly. And Jedediah…

He choked on his forkful. Jedediah alarmed, started slapping him on his back. “Whoa there Octie, slow down, breathe.”

But how is he meant to breathe when Jedediah just said- When Jedediah just casually said he was going to have sexual congress after a meal? Jedediah whose eyebrows are scrunched and whose hands are firm on his back, staring as if Octavius was the weird one. Soon Octavius’ coughs subside and Jedediah placed a hand on his shoulder and instead of leaning in like he usually does Octavius has to fight not to scramble away like a man on fire.

“Is there something wrong?” Jedediah asked.

Octavius coughed once and said, “No!” He coughed again and then nodded his head negative, “Nothing wrong.”

Except there was something wrong. There was something definitely wrong.

  
After the feast Jedediah once again claimed his need to use, “John” and Octavius permitted it with the shake of his head, meanwhile his stomach rebelled. Was this yet another cultural difference? This casual speaking of sex? No that’s not right, Jedediah spluttered at the thought of communal bathing but- maybe, maybe there was something Octavius was missing?

He wondered if it would be alright to ask Larry about the wording. Oh, but what if it was exactly what it sounded like? Octavius didn’t want to explain to Larry where he overheard the phrase and didn’t want to divulge Jedediah’s bedroom activities even if the man himself had no such quarrels. Forced to internalize the words, Octavius couldn’t help but replay Jedediah’s honey-thick voice repeating the phrase until Jedediah returned, adjusting his jeans and tightening his belt.

By that point it seemed to have hit home.

Jedediah had a lover. A male lover most likely. A lover named John.

When he excused himself, claiming nausea, which he did have, not because of the food, he went back to his private room in the diorama and closed his eyes. He tried to imagine Jedediah with a male lover but everytime he tried to imagine the person Jedediah would fall in love with his heart clenched. What did that person have that Octavius did not? When did they get together? What did they look like? Why wasn’t it him?

All these questions led to a restless sleep and Octavius froze in his private room, a frown etched on his face.

When he awoke again he felt like not getting up at all. It was a Friday but the museum was still closed for the holiday and sleeping in sounded good.

Sadly Jedediah had other ideas, he could hear the cowboy yelling for him. It wasn’t until he heard the panicked quality to that lovely voice that Octavius rolled off of his bed and stood at attention. His stomach was still queasy and his shoulders felt heavy but that wasn’t Jedediah’s fault. How was Jedediah to know he crushed his best friend’s heart with just a few words. How was he to know that Octavius had waited too long for an opening?

He couldn’t. He didn’t.

When he stepped out of his room Jedediah bumped into him.

“Oof- There you are Octavius!” Jedediah said, “You weren’t outside and none of your men said they saw you. I was worried for a sec.” Jedediah smiled and put an arm around Octavius’ shoulders. It felt heavy. “But you’re here now so c’mon, let’s see if we can wrangle some leftovers for breakfast- or dinner- y’know what I mean.” Jedediah said with an impish grin.

Jedediah turned to lead Octavius outside but Octavius was still. Feeling resistance Jedediah turned to give Octavius a questioning look and Octavius smiled wanly, holding his stomach. “Thank you Jedediah but I think I will have to skip. My stomach is not treating me well.”

Jedediah’s arm slipped from Octavius’ shoulder and it seemed cold without it. Even more alarming, it felt heavier without the weight. As if Jedediah himself was the only thing keeping Octavius from being a lifeless statue forever.

Octavius’ fist clenched. No, no more thinking like that. Jedediah was taken, had been for a long time possibly. Octavius never had a chance. He watched Jedediah nod and leave with a frown. Watched as he turned the corner and disappear but not before giving one last questioning look. Octavius held his stomach more tightly and watched as Jedediah nodded and left.

He returned to his own chambers and flopped down. Sleeping in sounded good.

———

The problem was, Octavius wasn’t used to being still for a long amount of time. It was something about having such limited time each day, it seemed so wasteful and made his skin itch to move and so move he did. All his men as well as Jedediah’s had been ordered the holiday off and so it only made sense that the dioramas were less populated. Feeling brave he entered the western diorama, feeling eerie at the silence that met him.

He stood in the middle of Jedediah’s home, smelling leather and sweat and hearing the faint echoes of a whistle. He looked at the tents, the railroad, the blue sky painted on the background, not quite the right shade of blue. Not quite as bright.

“Any reason you’re here and not off like all the others?” A voice said, their accent familiar and yet foreign. Octavius moved his eyes away from the horses, trying to spot Jedediah’s trusty horse to slide to another cowboy. Brown hair covered by a cowboy hat and a toothpick in between pink lips; one of Jedediah’s men. The man had cool brown eyes and let off a laidback attitude. As if he didn’t care what Octavius said but was offhandedly curious.

“No reason.” Octavius replied.

The cowboy hummed, gave Octavius a lookdown, pausing at the man’s skirt, and just shrugged but before he could leave Octavius said, “Wait.”

The cowboy turned, his toothpick moving even though his lips weren’t.

“Do you know someone by the name of ‘John’?”

“Sure do.” The man said, his fingers clenched in the loops of his belt, “I’m John.”

Octavius felt his heart shatter. So this was the man Jedediah fell in love with? He took closer inventory of the man. He was clean shaven but his brows were thick and he walked stiffly, as if his pants were too tight. He seemed to like rocking back and forth on his toes, his stature straight enough if it weren’t for the bow of his neck which hunched in a little. He was no Jedediah but Octavius had to admit he was a handsome man, cool brown eyes framed by thick lashes and a face that was gruff but stately.

He wondered if he made a good lover.

So focused was he in his inner turmoil that he didn’t seem to catch but the last of the man’s words, “-and there’s John Adams and Johnathon Crawford and Lil’ Johnny, but he always be askin’ us to stop calling him that-.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“I was askin’ which John you were asking for- there’s a bunch here.” John shook his head, “You’d think with only about a hundred citizens we’d be havin’ different names but you’d be wrong.”

Octavius, running on autopilot and Jedediah’s words in his head, he numbly asked, “The John.”

“The John?” John, maybe Jedediah’s lover, maybe not, asked. His thick brows scrunched over his eyes and he opened his mouth to reveal crooked teeth clenching over a tooth pick.

Octavius nodded. Yes, that’s how Jedediah referred to his lover. John lifted one gloved finger to scratch at his hair underneath his cowboy hat.

“I ain’t heard of no specific ‘The John.’ Where you heard that before?”

Octavius blushed. What was he doing? Prying into Jedediah’s personal life, asking after his lover and then what-? Watch in envy and compare all their physical and behavioral traits, seeing what he came short on?

But despite his mind telling him to leave it alone, he reasoned that he should at least make sure this The John was making Jedediah happy. He looked towards the oblivious one in front of him.

“Tell me John, just how many John’s are in this fair place?”

“Well there’s me, John Richards. Then ya got John Crawford who’s the conductor, ya got Jonathan who’s the saloon owner, and Lil Johnny-” and on and on and on, John Richards went while Octavius committed the names to memory. All in all there were eight Johns including this one. Eight potential lovers. By the time Octavius was done asking questions, Richards was suspicious.

“What’s with yer interests in John’s all a’ sudden?”

“No reason.” Octavius said hastily. “Tell me more about yourself, John. Any love in your life?” Octavius could’ve cursed himself for how pathetic he sounded. He kept his eyes focused on the rocky ground while John recounted his life. He was a rancher, took care of most of the horses, wasn’t much to stray far from home. He was single.

Octavius closed his eyes as John said it. So this wasn’t The John. This wasn’t Jedediah’s John. Then who was?

He thanked John for his time and went back to his own private chambers. He stayed there until the sun rose, wondering if the John was with Jedediah now. His stomach twisted at the thought but it was only fair. Octavius rejected hanging out with Jedediah and now Jedediah was probably laughing, petting, kissing his John now.

Octavius tried to imagine it. A stranger taking his place, having more than Octavius ever imagined. It was sickening.

On Saturday Jedediah wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He dragged the roman outside with such eagerness that Octavius felt it displaced. Shouldn’t Jedediah be dragging his lover out? Or was it a secret? No, that wasn’t right. He said it so casually. Octavius tried to let it go. Tried to live in the now where Jedediah was paying attention to him. A leathered hand on his shoulder, a smile thrown bright at him, the lovely accent of the man he loved filling his ears.

But then he’d imagine the brighter smiles thrown at the John. The things Octavius’ never seen that only the John was privy to. It made his stomach boil and his words come out more curt than he meant. His movements more stiff. Of course, Jedediah caught on.

“Whatsa matter? Snake sneaked in yer skirt?”

“No. There is no reptilian under my skirt.”

Jedediah huffed a laugh, and Octavius stared at him before rolling his eyes.

“Ah, you know I’m just messing with ya.” Jedediah smiled and reached to pat Octavius on the side of his stomach but Octavius moved away. Jedediah’s hand was stuck in the air mid-reach while Octavius walked onward. Slowly Jedediah put his hand down.

“So what’s really got your panties in a twist?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t seem like nothin’. Seems like a something.” Jedediah said.

“Perish the thought.”

“An’ which thought would that be?” Jedediah asked.

Octavius paused. The cowboy didn’t think it would be that easy would it?

Jedediah continued on, “You know yesterday John Smith was talkin’ to me. Said you visited and asked ‘bout all the Johns around the place. Any reason for that?” Jedediah came in front of Octavius, his blue eyes playful but serious. Octavius felt a tightening in his plastic gut and wondered what he should say. That he was jealous? That he wanted to know what Jedediah’s lover looked like? He tried to come up with something.

“You see- it just interests me. Such a common name.” He stared straight in Jedediah’s eyes, wondering if the other would catch on. It wasn’t exactly like he was subtle. But Jedediah seemed to accept it.

“Nothing wrong with a little curiosity.” Jedediah said, moving so they stood side by side once again. Did that mean it was okay to scout out Jedediah’s lover? Octavius tried to ask but Jedediah was already away, his words speaking of leftovers and how one chicken could feed their armies for days on end.

It was after such feasting, just the two of them and a heated portion of duck, not chicken, that Jedediah said it again. Normal as if he were talking about kittens; “I need to use the John.” Such simple words. It had Octavius sobering quickly from his belts of laughter at an offhanded joke. He swallowed thickly around the duck in his mouth, gulping and picking up the gargantuan tea cup to lap at its contents. He watched Jedediah leave casually, wondering if he truly was going to go all the way back to their diorama just for a bout of sex.

Was Octavius truly so boring that Jedediah would rather have sex mid conversation?

He itched to find, to follow Jedediah to wherever his lover wait but stilled himself. He doubted this was what Jedediah meant when he said there was nothing wrong with curiosity but this was- there was something that Octavius was missing. He just knew it.

He counted the minutes on the black and red digital clock embedded in the restuarant’s wall. Nearly an hour passed until Jedediah came back, his face flushed and his breath coming in puffs.

“Sorry I took so long,” Jedediah said, as he plopped down, exhausted, and picking some duck to eat as if he only took a mere restroom break. He mumbled something but it was too murmured between eager bites and honestly Octavius did not want to know. Octavius couldn’t help looking at the flushed figure: Jedediah’s gloves had a certain indent on them, as if he recently gripped something hard and his shirt was untucked, not the first time he’d seen it but certainly the first time when the other was so lax, his legs spread and his arms floppy as if a certain urge relieved. As if all his worries and tensions were gone.

Octavius didn’t feel much for eating after that.

When Sunday came around, the last week before their vacation ended, Octavius knew it’d be his last opportunity to find Jedediah’s lover without doing it in front of Jedediah himself. He knew he was being silly, that Jedediah would tell him if only he asked. But he wanted to find the man without having Jedediah see his reaction. He compiled a list of all the Johns from Mr. Richard’s description and set off to the neighboring diorama. Predictably Jedediah had left the room after asking Octavius if he’d join him in a ride around the halls, eager to get have the most of his vacation even on its last night.

Having John Richard’s crossed out on the top of the list left eight others. He had until sunrise to interview everyone of them. Octavius pocketed the small note pad, and then remembering that he had no such pockets, lifted his helmet and placed it on top of his head.

He went through alphabetically but it seemed that none of them was the right one. Most of them claimed no romantic attraction to Jedediah and one of them was asking something of money for talk. A beggar, which didn’t seem to be Jedediah’s type. Octavius slumped onto the bar stool. Jonathan Waxford, the saloon owner was his last John.

He was an older gentleman with a gut and hairy arms, his white shirt sleeves rolled up as he cleared glasses, actual size appropriate glasses. He had black hair that curled at the ends and a mole on his left cheek. His establishment was small but well-kept, his patrons loud and boisterous but polite enough not to ask what the foreigner was doing there.

“An’ what can I getcha?” Jonathan Waxford asked. He was a handsome sort of man, Octavius supposed, his arms corded with muscles and his gut only enhancing his manliness. Octavius, tired of chasing after Johns, just plainly asked drily, “Do you know where I can find  _The John_?”

Jonathan, simple as breathing, pointed towards a door at the back. Octavius turned on his stool, dread making his feet heavy and yet they didn’t seem to want to find solace on the wooden floor. Slowly he dropped one foot, then the next and stood, staring at the door. People were whispering, looking at the strange man staring at the door as if death itself was behind it. He gulped.

He walked toward the door with feet like bricks. There was nothing about the door, no warning sign, no label; not a mark on its face. Simply a door. He hesitantly raised a fist and knocked, surprised when it swung open. Hesitantly he entered the room, not knowing what to expect.

What he did not expect was three wooden stalls and toilets, a large basin for washing hands attached to the wall on the right. A small vanity mirror above it. It was a small room, but served its purpose he supposed. The toilets weren’t like modern toilets, not entirely, there was a chain hung low from the tank lofted high and a very permeable stench but it was better than his own men’s chamber pots. He half expected to see The John in here but this seemed a facility only for the release of excrements. He slowly circled the room, feeling he was missing something and took notice of the writing on the stalls walls.

Most of them were rude insults and unintelligible scrawls, initials carved into splintered wood. Graffiti, not uncommon in Octavius’ own diorama. Seemed like even thousands of years apart men would still be men. No, what caught his attention was the more provocative messages.

_“Will suck dick for money.”_

_“Got my dick sucked, 8/10.”_

_“Anyone know a willing John that won’t mind getting fucked? I got some cash I can use to pay.”_

_“When you ain’t got no Jane’s gotta settle for a John. Anyone know a good one?”_

On and on people talked about John’s as if they were- But no. Maybe?

Octavius skimmed over the sexual comments on each wooden stall and then his eyes frantically looked at the door as it slowly creaked open. Jonathan stood there, looking at Octavius.

Octavius gulped. He finally got it. The piece he was missing. Why Jedediah said, “The John” instead of simply “John.” Why John Crawford asked for money before considering talking. Why so many men had the name. John wasn’t a name. It was a term.

A term for male prostitute.

And he just told Jonathan, a long version of the name John, that he wanted him. Octavius backed away, the back of his knees hitting the toilet bowl as John came closer. Before Jonathon could get any closer though, perhaps closing Octavius into the stall, Octavius shouted, “I’VE CHANGED MY MIND.” And fled the scene.

He came out the bathroom gasping, not taking notice of the patrons who turned to look at the roman leader, and briskly ran out-

bumping into Jedediah.

“Hey Oct, it’s around sunrise.” Jedediah said with a light in his eyes. He gripped Octavius’ shoulders, the touch soothing Octavius’ frazzled nerves, “You better get into position soon. I was just gonna go to position myself but I wanted to use the John first.”

Octavius jerked at that. He turned back to look at the bar, noticing that Jonathan had walked out of the restroom and that John Crawford, the conductor who smelt like smoke and was constantly covered in a fine layer of black dust was looking at them, his eyes on them like a hawk. He remembered interviewing the other just a few hours ago. John Crawford said he didn’t really fancy much of men when Octavius sneakily tip-toed the question in. Said he liked Jedediah well enough but not romantically.

But prostitutes didn’t really need romantic attraction did they?

In a mad desperation, for what he did not know; it wasn’t like they weren’t full adults. It wasn’t like this was Jedediah’s own decision. Octavius shouted, “No.”

And Jedediah, lifted one fine eyebrow and repeated him, “No?”

He could feel the world tilting dangerously, the putrid smell of the restroom having followed him and he gagged around the invisible stench. There were many things Octavius loved: Food and drink were two of them. The third, and perhaps most important was Jedediah Smith. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of Jedediah not with a lover but a prostitute. Couldn’t watch as Jedediah disappeared through that wooden door that swung inward, only to watch one of the Johns follow in suit.

Without another thought he grasped Jedediah’s sleeve and pulled him away from the saloon.

“Octavius!” Jedediah exclaimed, “What in tarnation’s going on?” He was trying to dig his boots in the sand but Octavius just kept pulling until they were away from that loathsome foundation. “The sun’s almost risin’ and I really need to use-”

“Don’t say it!” Octavius said, closing his eyes against the many Johns he met. The ones Jedediah at one point had asked for companionship with in a lonely tavern. He wondered how frequently he asked one of the many Johns. How much he paid for a good fucking? With trembling legs, Octavius bent to his knees, looking at Jedediah through lidded lashes. The words came out of their own violation.

“Use me instead.”

He reached for the belt buckle but was shamed when Jedediah slapped his quivering hands away. He was yanked up by his arms, Jedediah’s grip tight against his bared skin.

“What the fuck?” Jedediah hissed, shaking Octavius’ arms, “What the fuck has gotten into you Octie?”

Octavius felt frozen until a seething rage soaked his veins, coming from his chest and spreading outward until his fists were curling with it.

“Am I not good enough?” He whispered through clenched teeth. “Is that it?” He said louder, still held in Jedediah’s arms, “I have to become a John to- to-”

“John? What’s John got anythin’ to do with this? And another thing, John Riley came up to me, said you’ve been investigating all the Johns. Octavius what’s going on?” Jedediah pleaded, his blue eyes worried and his grip becoming less punishing. Octavius took the opportunity to wrench away, his fury only becoming more pronounced at the mention of John Riley. A handsome man. One of the marching men whose bright red uniform complimented his noble features. He wondered if he was one of the John’s Jedediah favored. It made him want to gag some more.

He said nothing but seethed, and panted. The sun would soon come up but he did not give a damn. Was this one of those masculine things Jedediah swore by? If it was a prostitute it was fine but if it was between friends, if it was about love, which Octavius knew he’d shown on his face from Day One though he tried to hide it well. He thought Jedediah was too oblivious to see such things but now he wasn’t so sure. And it hurt. It hurt like needles in the skin and a hun trying to rip you limb from limb.

Jedediah chuckled nervously, “Come on Oct enough with the angry look. Calm ok? Calmmmm.” Jedediah said, breathing deeply as if demonstrating. He laughed again, the sound strangled compared to his usual laugh, his hands coming up when Octavius just glowered more, “You look like you could give me a good one straight on the kisser.”

Octavius paused at that, his shoulders slumping and his posture loosening and Jedediah smiled, “See? Now why don we talk-” and promptly shut up as Octavius gave him a kiss on the lips. It was a harsh kiss, Octavius’ hands fisted in his shirt and teeth clacking, biting, nibbling as if he wanted to eat Jedediah whole. Jedediah stood still for quite some time, too shocked to react, letting his lips be bruised. His mouth be ravaged. He gasped as Octavius let go.

“What was that for!?”

“You said to give you a kiss!” Octavius defended. Jedediah went to his brain, rewinding the conversation. He could see where Octavius got the idea but hastened to say, “No that-that’s not what that means. I mean sometimes-”

Octavius didn’t wait for the explanation. He kissed Jedediah again, and again and again.

The sun rose and they were stuck, lips locked. Octavius hands around the cowboys waist until they were connected, head to toe. Jedediah’s fingers were tangled in Octavius’ hair, his helmet knocked to the floor next to them and the notepad Octavius used cradled inside.

When Larry came around for final inspections (the museum always got a little out of pose after vacation) he deftly picked them up and placed them in a more unobtrusive place behind one of the many diorama buildings. Then walked off grumbling about the museum’s PDA policy.

When they woke up again Jedediah firmly put his hand on Octavius’ chest.

“Hold on toga boy. You still haven’t explained a damn thing.”

Octavius, his head light and his feet tingling, nestled his head on Jedediah’s shoulder. He was catching his breath but also trying to explain the jealousy. The need for Jedediah to be his and only his.

Jedediah patiently patted his head, somewhere along the way Jedediah had tugged off his gloves and Octavius loved the feel of Jedediah’s fingers playing with his short hair. Tugging and combing and twirling strands around his finger. He groaned in disappointment though when Jedediah abruptly stopped.

“Talk.” Jedediah commanded. “Why were you asking for every John in town? They said you had a list Octavius.”

“It’s not what it sounded like,” Octavius said, “I wasn’t in search of someone to warm my bed. It was a misunderstanding, I thought one of them to be your- your lover.”

Jedediah placed two hands on Octavius shoulders and stepped back. “What?”

“I thought I had been mistaken when you first said it but then you became so late when you went to- went to use “The John” and you were so flushed and then I had presumed one of them to be your lovers but I understand now that it does not mean lover but-”

“Whoa whoa kimosabe back it up. Turn this horsey around.” Jedediah said. He tried to look into Octavius’ eyes but the other was too embarrassed, instead focusing on the helmet that was near his foot. The list stared back at him, names crossed out and his writing becoming the familiar perfect handwriting to something more frenzied to the end. He realized instantly when he opened his eyes that they were not where they were when they froze yesterday and thanked Larry for moving them to where no one would notice. He hoped that Larry didn’t get into trouble, seeing their little display. “What’s going on?”

“You said you would use The John multiple times.” Octavius stated, looking at Jedediah’s confused eyes and then to his bruised lips that tasted so alluring, it took all of the roman’s will not to take them again.

“So you investigated all the Johns in town?” Jedediah said, confusion coating his tone.

“Yes.” Octavius nodded.

There was a silence and Jedediah slowly closed his eyes, as if it pained him to ask, he grit out, “Octavius what…exactly did you think The John meant?”

“Male prostitute.” At the downturned lips, Octavius felt panic seize his heart. It hammered underneath his breastplate, and he squeaked, “Is that not what it meant?”

Jedediah heaved a sigh and taking a hold of Octavius’ hand, stated, “I think we need to go to the internet.”

Thirty minutes later and Jedediah was laughing his ass off while Octavius held his hand in his palms. His own men, standing near the keyboard with the typing apparatus appeared confused.

“I can’t believe you-”

“Shut it!” Octavius said furiously. Quickly he turned to his men who stood in confused obedience, “Dismissed!”

“But sir-”

“Dismissed!” Octavius ordered, his cheeks red with embarrassment and his irritation mounting as Jedediah continued to howl with laughter. The men scattered, taking the little elevator down.

Octavius peeked again at the monitor.

_“The John is another informal name for ‘the toilet’._

_Ex: Sarah ran straight to the John after their long trip.”_

“B-but Saturday evening, you went to go to the John and- and you came back all flushed-”

“That’s cuz I had to climb up the stinkin’ rope again to get to the table.” Jedediah said as his laughter died down. “Couldn’t find anyone to lift me back up.”

“At the bathroom, the stalls, they had words. John or Jane or-”

Jedediah swiftly typed on the keyboard, jumping to and fro until a new page popped up.

_“The names “John Doe” for males, “Jane Doe” or “Jane Roe” for females, or “Jonnie Doe” and “Janie Doe” for children, or just “Doe” non-gender-specifically are used as placeholder names for a party whose true identity is unknown or must be withheld in a legal action, case, or discussion.”_

Octavius read the words and felt his stomach drop.

“When they wrote John,” Jedediah explained, “they meant a male stranger, not necessarily John-anyone.”

“And kisser?” Octavius squeaked, weary of the answer.

Jedediah jumped from key to key.

_1\. Mouth_

_2\. Face_

_Exe 1. I’ll knock you right in the fucking kisser._

_Exe 2. That girl has a nice kisser._

“So when you said, “You look like you can-”

“I thought you were going to punch me in the face.”

“Oh.” Octavius said, staring straight at the monitor and not Jedediah. Nope. This wasn’t happening. He could feel his head getting light headed as blood rushed to fill his face again. Suddenly the past few days seemed ridiculously silly. Just a huge misunderstanding, one after another.

“Hey guys, I think we need to talk.” Octavius and Jedediah both jumped as Larry came up from behind them. “You guys need to start getting into pose before sunrise. I mean I guess if you guys wanna make out that’s fine-”

“We won’t do it again.” Octavius said, hurrying to reassure, feeling his hopes flatten. There was no way Jedediah was going to want to do it again. In fact, he didn’t even want a kiss the first time. And why would he want a repeat? Octavius made an utter fool of himself, making things up in his head like an insecure teenager.

Jedediah next to him laughed, rich filled and warm, and Octavius felt it wash over him, soothing him where his previous laughter only rankled his humiliated mood further.

“I don’t know about that.”

Octavius looked over at Jedediah in shock, feeling himself blush further as the blonde winked at him.

“Yeah- just don’t freeze while you’re making out again Ok? I don’t know how I’ll convince McPhee it wasn’t me.”

Larry was already leaving, called by a squawk of feathers and a monkey’s laughter. Still Jedediah shouted after him, “No promises!”

Jedediah turned to Octavius who felt hope once again. Jedediah strided forward, his eyes filled with barely masked hunger. He planted a kiss on Octavius lips, chaste but promising.

“So let’s say you’re kisser and mine get reacquainted. How does that sound, Octavius?” Jedediah held out his hand and, grateful, Octavius took it.

They walked along the edges of the desk, basking in contentment until Jedediah spoke in a huff, “I can’t believe you thought the John meant prostitution. I mean how does that even make sense?”

Jedediah made a shrill noise as Octavius pushed him at the edge of the desk. He panicked, pinwheeling his arms while Octavius quickly fisted Jedediah’s vest before he could truly fall. Jedediah looked down toward the long, long drop to the floor and to Octavius.

“I’m sorry! Let me up Octavius!”

With a smirk, Octavius pulled Jedediah back from the edge and gave him a great big kisser. On his kisser.

And other places.

**Author's Note:**

> For Kisumi's birthday. Happy birthday Kisumi! I know it's a little rushed but I tried my best.


End file.
